


What Have I Got To Booze, Right?

by issiefrancis



Series: Always On Your Side [1]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Abby Yates, Autistic Jillian Holtzmann, Depression, Drinking, Drinking Games, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-23 09:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8322160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/issiefrancis/pseuds/issiefrancis
Summary: The girls have a few fun alcohol-induced nights, but Holtzmann doesn't touch a drop the whole time. Holtzmann is walking around like a zombie without brains, the sexual tension is rising, and Abby and Patty have the stereotypical bet on when they'll get down and admit their feelings.





	1. Never Have I Ever is the Name of the Game

**Author's Note:**

> The title's from one of Kate McKinnon's SNL skits - I've watched so many I can't even remember which one at this point.  
> This is just setting the scene, the tags indicate more of what's going to happen! Enjoy <3

Holtzmann is lying starfish style on the couch with a book of complex math equations hanging over her head when Abby bowls into the room.

"Girls' night in tonight!" Abby plonks a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coke on the lounge table. "Never have I ever is the name of the game."

_Oh no_. Holtzmann shakes her head, turning herself up the right way fast enough that she sees stars.

"Are we still in college, y'all?" Patty sighs, emptying a bag of chips into a bowl and sitting on the couch.

"Of course not. We could just have an adult night in with a movie… I have _Carol_ ," Holtzmann suggests. She has to avoid drinking at all costs – her meds Do Not agree with alcohol and the others can't know about them.

There's a moment of silence, then all three laugh.

"When you ever not up for a challenge, Holtzmann?" Patty asks.

Erin sits down beside Holtzmann. "Let's let our hair down a little…" She pokes Holtzmann's blonde 'do.  

"The only time you'll see this hair down is post-coitus, baby," Holtzmann winks at Erin. "But, seriously, could we just watch a movie?"

"C'mon, let's take a night off!" Erin is getting more enthusiastic now.

"We'll be taking all of tomorrow off too if I have anything to do with it!" Abby cackles.

"That's what I'm _talking_ about, baby!" Patty laughs.

Holtzmann stiffens up, palm rubbing up and down her overalls, but doesn't say anything more.

Abby starts filling the glasses with vodka and Coke (but mostly vodka). As she tilts the vodka bottle over the fourth one, Holtzmann holds out a hand.

"I'll pass tonight, thanks."

"Really?" Abby raises her eyebrows, shrugs, and fills it with Coke instead.

"I'm just not in the mood," Holtzmann insists. Erin shoots Holtzmann a look, but she pretends not to notice and instead slurps indelicately at her alcohol-free drink.

 "Soooo… what rules?"

"You don't know how to play _never have I ever_?" Patty asks incredulously.

"Of course I know _how_ to play, but everyone has different rules." Holtzmann rolls her eyes.

"Okay: one, we go clockwise; two, you say 'never have I ever blah blah blah'; three, you drink if you've done it; four, it doesn't matter whether or not you've done the thing." Abby sips from her own drink and makes a face.

"Five, we all _drink_." Patty nudges Holtzmann and pointedly nods at the vodka.

"Can you just _drop_ it?" Holtzmann grits her teeth. "Not tonight."

"Your loss, girl!"

"Oka-ay, I'll go first then," Abby says, frowning in Patty's direction. "Never have I ever kissed a man."

"You wouldn't have to drink anyway," quips Erin as she sips a generous amount. "Never have I ever… gotten back with an ex."

Only Abby doesn't drink. Holtzmann's turn. This game is stupid. "Never have I ever… saved New York City from the apocalypse." They all drink, clinking glasses as they go.

Patty. "Never have I ever… aww man, I can't think of anything. Never have I ever eaten more than one packet of crisps at once." All turn to look at Holtzmann, who sheepishly sips.

"What can I say? The Pringles get me."

"Never have I ever… kissed a girl." Abby snickers over the top of her glass as Holtzmann raises her eyebrows and chugs and Erin daintily sips.

" _Erin_!" Holtzmann waggles her eyebrows at Erin.

"It was _one_ time!" Erin blushes all the way to her forehead. Holtzmann nudges her gently with her foot. Abby and Patty share a look.

"If they don't get off with each other by the end of the week, I'mma give you twenty bucks," Patty mutters to Abby.

"You're on, girl. It'll take Erin at least another two weeks." Abby sips.

"What's that?" Erin and Holtzmann break their intimate staring contest and Erin glances over at Abby.

"Nothing! Your turn."

"Never have I ever gotten so drunk I blacked out," Erin says. Abby and Patty both drink, Abby draining her glass. She splashes more vodka in and a tiny bit of Coke.

"Tell them about that party in high school," Erin laughs.

"Oh, boy! The one party that we were invited to-"

"Only because you bribed that guy by doing his physics homework for a month." Erin interjects.

"Well, it was an experience we both needed to have!" Abby waves a hand. "Anyway, so I'm a total virgin – well, that hasn't changed – and a complete novice drinker, so we stole a bottle of wine from my parents and split it. Erin, little nerd that she was, had one glass and tried some beer at the party. I drank the rest of the bottle, and tried my first shot. And my second, third, fourth, and fifth. I ended up half-naked on the hood of one of the boys' cars. And then I puked my way home."

"Ni-ice." Holtzmann laughs.

"Y'all tame as hell. One time, I ended up butt-naked on hanging from the balcony of my friends' place because her mom came home and busted us. Anyway, never have I ever… shoplifted." Patty lifts her drink, and so does Holtzmann.

"Was it weapons-grade plutonium?" Erin rolls her eyes at Holtzmann.

"It was duct tape, actually. I was angry at the pharmacy. Never have I ever duct taped someone's mouth shut." Holtzmann smiles cheekily and sips.

"What? No, you know what, I don't even wanna know." Patty shakes her head.

They keep going around and around, Abby steadily getting drunker and drunker, Patty's gestures getting bigger and more erratic, Erin taking tiny petite sips, and Holtzmann watching curiously.

Eventually, Abby and Patty are sitting together and telling stories about crazy people they've known. Erin is sipping her drink slowly, staring at the table.

"What's going on in there, huh?" Holtzmann reaches over and gently taps her on the head.

"Oh-" Erin almost jumps, then looks over. "Just… nothing."

"You're about to burn a hole in that table."

"It's just- did you ever- Oh, nothing." Erin shakes her head.

"Whaaaat?" Holtzmann puts her feet down and then shifts closer to Erin.

"I- Has anyone ever… reacted badly to… the lesbian thing?" Erin tilts her head and looks Holtzmann in the eyes.

Holtzmann raises her eyebrows, questioning Erin, but only says, "Yeah. A few. But it's not a big deal. I've never tried to change." Not strictly true, she knows, but she also knows what Erin needs to hear. "It's like, such a big part of me. I mean, look at me." Mismatched argyle socks, crop top and overalls. "Gay as hell. You okay, Erin?"  

Erin's nods, her forehead crinkles curiously, and then she puts her head in Holtzmann's lap.

Holtzmann stiffens up, hands staying away for fear of scaring Erin. Then she slowly lowers her hands, one running through Erin's hair, the other rubbing her shoulder. It takes a few minutes, but then Erin shifts a little and Holtzmann realises that she's asleep, nose a little scrunched up, but asleep. She smells like coconut.

Abby and Patty stare from the other side of the room as Holtzmann bites her lip and holds her hands above Erin's body, looking for all the world like she's about to bolt.

Then Erin smiles through her sleep, and Holtzmann puts her hands back on her shoulder, relaxing.


	2. Emphasis on the Rum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go to a bar, but Holtzmann isn't feeling so good. Angst abounds.

Abby strides around the first floor. "We haven't been on a bust in two _weeks_! I'm so bored!"

"Aww man, you're telling me!" Patty slams her history book shut.

Erin just glances up at the ceiling as a medium poof echoes down from Holtzmann's lab. "Holtzmann seems just fine."

Patty and Abby roll their eyes simultaneously. "When are ya just gonna admit that you only got eyes for Holtzy?"

"I-" Erin blushes, then ignores their comment. "Let's go to a bar, or something."

"Why not?" Abby tips her coffee down the sink and nods. Patty grins.

"I'll tell Holtz," Erin says, jumping up.

"'Course you will," Patty mutters. She and Abby cackle together.

Erin flicks a hand at them irritably and heads up to the lab. She enters gingerly, looking around. "Holtz?"

"Yeeeeeesss?" Holtzmann pops up from behind a bench, holding a pair of tongs and a bikini top.

"Why do you have- No, I don't want to know." Erin shakes her head. "Wait, Holtzmann, is that my bikini top?"

"Um… maybe? I'm not really sure, to be honest. I just found it. Was gonna make something funny when I got bored. Which I am." The effort of pretending to be upbeat hurts her head.

"We're going to a bar. You wanna come? Is everything stable?" Erin frowns at a shuddering machine on the bench.

"I might just stay here." Holtzmann is frayed and tired, and she'll have to avoid drinking, and she can't face the ribbing from her friends tonight. "Not feeling so good." It disappoints her. She knows last time Erin was drunk, there was the beginnings of what she can only pray is a reciprocation of her crush. She doesn't want to miss out on a chance to confirm her hypothesis, but she's just too tired.

"No!" Erin leans over the bench. "Come with us. It'll be fun. You know you love a good mojito! It'll cheer you up."

Holtzmann shifts her eyes away, twisting the bikini straps in her hands. "I shouldn't." Her hands are already shutting down the machine, belying her words.

"Ple-ease?" Erin sticks out her bottom lip.

Holtzmann jiggles her leg. Puppy dog eyes get her every time. "I'm warning you, I'm not drinking. I mean, I don't think this stuff is gonna stay stable til tomorrow afternoon, so I don't want to be hungover." She offers a half-smile, trying to make it seem like a joke.

Erin rolls her eyes. "Holtzy, you don't have to drink anything. I don't know what's up with that, but if you wanna talk about anything, you know- Anyway," she says, suddenly going red, "Let's, um, go."

"Alri-ight." Strangely touched, Holtzmann lowers her eyes and strips off her gloves and lab coat, replacing them with a leather jacket and following Erin to the first floor.

***

 "Okay, y'all, I'll grab the first round. Who's having what?" Patty puts her bag on the table of their booth.

"Rum and coke for me," Abby says. "Emphasis on the rum."

"Gin and tonic." For Erin.

"Shocking," Holtzmann deadpans. "Sprite, please."

"…and?" Patty raises her eyebrows. "I don't trust you to drag my sloppy ass home if you're completely sober."

Holtzmann stares at her hands. "And Sprite. Maybe I'll drink later."

"Ya weird, Holtzy." Patty heads on up to the bar.

They sit in comfortable , Abby on her phone, Holtzmann bouncing her knee, until Patty comes back.

"Man, I never thought I'd say this, but I wish there were more ghosts! It's like working in the subway. No one ever talks to you 'less they got a problem." Patty sighs over her mug of beer.

"I've never worked in the subway, but I miss busting ghosts. I keep hoping I'll run into one that'll turn my hair normal again." Abby chuckles.

"Well, I for one am _loving_ it!" Erin grins. "I'm catching up on all the physics journals, I can help Holtz with all her equations-"

"-your favourite part," Patty mutters. Erin blushes and shuts up. Holtzmann stays quiet, not even jumping on the opportunity to flirt. "You okay, Holtzy?"

"Ya. Fine." Holtzmann sucks down a big gulp of lemonade.

Patty and Abby share one of their Looks, and Erin nudges Holtzmann gently under the table, raising her eyebrows.

Holtzmann's shoulders tighten, but she smiles briefly, then goes back to staring into her drink.

"Holtzy, what's up, man?" Patty looks at Holtzmann in concern. "Ya been a little off-colour lately."

"I'm okay. Just… tired." Patty and Abby share another Look. Holtzmann is not one to be exhausted easily, and they haven't been doing _anything_ lately.

"Okay, Holtzy." Patty touches her shoulder. Holtzmann's hand twitches and lemonade spills down her chin and across the table. She squeezes her hands into fists and looks down.

"Sorry!" Patty winces.

Erin yanks a stack of napkins out of the tacky holder and mops up the spill, then dabs at Holtzmann's chin with a clean one, eyes wide with concern.

She stiffens up and slides away from Erin.

"You okay?" Erin reaches over to touch her shoulder and Holtzmann slides right out of the booth.

Holtzmann pinches the back of her left hand unconsciously. "Sorry, I'm just – not in a touching mood."

"Oh." Erin nods, retracting her hand. "Sorry. You can sit down, won't happen again." She tries to communicate with just her eyes that she gets it, but Holtzmann's not making eye contact.

The conversation picks up around Holtzmann again, leaving her to her introverted thoughts. She knows it's Abby who keeps it going, understanding that she just gets like she does sometimes and needs to stay quiet. Abby knows. Patty picks up the second round of drinks with a twenty from Erin, and it's when Abby goes to get a third round that things go pear-shaped. Patty and Erin are giggling about her machines, and she's listening in more than she'd like to let on, and then Erin says it.

She's tipsy and over-eager. "Holtzmann, you're like a machine, you know that. Works like a machine on her machines." She giggles at Patty, leaning over, not touching Holtzmann, but getting a little too close for comfort.

Patty's gaze zeroes in, hand going to Erin's arm, and then Holtzmann's throat tightens.

She jumps up and walks away without a second glance. She has to get out of there, her breath heavy in her throat. She locks herself in a stall in the bathroom and leans against the door, pinching her hands over and over again. She wants to be among her machines again. Erin's right, but she doesn't have to _say_ it, Holtzmann knows there's something wrong with her, she- _Deep breaths_. She imagines her hands working on her proton pistol until she can breathe properly.

She wants to go home, but her phone's on the table out there so she can't even get a cab. Her heart starts to thud again and she goes back to rubbing her hands fiercely on her shirt, breathing shallowly.

"Holtzmann?" Erin's voice echoes through the bathroom. Holtzmann freezes up.

"Come on, I know you're in there. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to upset you, it was just a joke. But I am really sorry. I know-" Erin's voice hitches. "I know you've been a little off lately. I should have- Please, just, open up, Holtzy."

Holtzmann clunks the lock of the door, but doesn't open it quite yet.

"Okay, I'm not gonna come in, not gonna touch you, but I'm here if you want a hug. Do you wanna talk about what's going on?"

Holtzmann breathes in and out, trying to keep calm. "No."

Erin sighs, barely more than a whisper against the metal door. "Do you want to go home?"

Holtzmann's eyes fill up with tears. She sniffs, glad Erin can't see her. "Yes, please."

"I'll get an Uber."

***

"We're going to head home. Holtzmann's not feeling so well." Erin picks up both of their phones and a couple of napkins.

"Okay-dokay. Take care of our Holtzy, yeah?" Patty glances up, running a hand over her hair.

"Of course." Erin swallows hard, gathering courage to go back to the bathroom. "Holtzy, Uber's on the way. Ya ready to come out?"

Holtzmann opens up the door and runs her hand under the taps for a few moments. Erin leans beside the entrance, feeling guilty. This is all her fault. She needs to know that Holtzmann isn't angry, but she can't bring herself to ask.

***

Holtzmann goes straight to her lab when they get home. She spent the whole ride staring out the window and fiddling with her hands. Erin tried a couple times to talk, but eventually just sat in silence too, worrying that she'd fucked up immensely, and praying that Holtzmann was okay.  

"Holtzmann. You look shattered. Come on, let's go to bed." Erin wrings her hands as she follows Holtzmann up the stairs.

Holtzmann shakes her head, not even taking the opportunity for an innuendo. Erin's at a loss as to what she can do. She seems on another planet. Maybe she should just leave? Holtzmann is bent over something with pliers and it doesn't look like interrupting her would be the best idea. Erin feels guiltier and guiltier.

"I'm gonna leave you some food, alright? Call me if you need me." Erin leaves Pringles and an apple outside the lab, biting her lip. "Night, Holtzy."

Once Erin leaves, Holtzmann slides down to the floor under her bench and sit with her head on her knees, breathing deeply, pulling apart a grenade and putting it back together to stay calm. Eventually, she gets up, stumbles to her room, chokes down two pills and falls asleep without even getting under the covers.

***

"What happened?" At the bar, Abby sits down with four drinks for two people, looking around.

Patty leans on her hand. "Holtzmann freaked. Erin took her home."

Abby takes a long draught from her drink. "They're a mess."

"You're telling me, girl! But you can't tell me there ain't something going on with Holtzy apart from Erin."

Abby nods. "She's… a special person. Sometimes she gets down, I think. I try to be there for her but she's so introverted. And not at all good with feelings. It's hard." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "She usually works it out, given enough time."

Patty nods. "That makes sense. We better give them some time tonight, huh?"

Abby makes a face. "Now who's going to drink this lemonade?"

"I think we'll manage."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little longer than the last. I hope the characters are staying consistent-ish... Don't worry, the next chapter is way less angsty <3
> 
> PS can't wait for the SNL parody of the Presidential Debate! 
> 
> Let me know how I'm doing, y'all.


	3. Today IS the Day for an Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst whoop whoop. I'm confused about the direction that this has ended up taking because I had a way different plan, but it feels right.

Erin's the first there the next day, 8am on the dot. I mean, what's early if she never really slept at all? She potters around in the kitchen, making some coffee, nervous about seeing Holtzmann. She spent the night running over every second of the previous evening. By the time it gets to half-nine, her coffee is sitting untouched on the table beside her notebook, and she has to know if Holtzmann is upset at her. She hasn't solved a single equation. She takes the stairs to the lab slowly, feeling like she's heading to an emotional execution.

It's silent, and nothing's whirring, and there's no gentle banging that would indicate work. The apple and the Pringles are where Erin left them last night. Her throat closes up a little.

"Holtzmann?" she calls softly. "Hello?"

No response. Glancing around the lab to check that Holtzmann isn't waiting to scare her, Erin makes her way over to the bedroom and looks in. Holtzmann is asleep without a blanket, drool staining the pillow under her face. Erin sighs and covers her with a blanket from the floor, brushes her hair out of her face, and then goes to make herself another cup of coffee.  

***

When Holtzmann wakes up, she realizes that she's been covered with a blanket. Her head is killing her. She gets up, stumbles to the bathroom and gulps straight from the tap. She'll have to apologize to Erin, but the thought of facing her after her breakdown last night makes her stomach churn.

But she's hungry, and one little part of her wants Erin to hold her tight and tell her everything will be okay. She breathes deep and goes down to the kitchen.

Erin's slumped over the kitchen table, a set of equations that Holtzmann left in the kitchen discarded beside her. Holtzmann knocks on the doorframe.

"Hey, Erin." She takes another deep breath. "I just wanted to say sorry about yesterday. And thanks." She heads for a glass of water, but Erin stops her with a hand. Her heart hurts just looking at Holtzmann. Her hair is crumpled around her shoulders, mascara smudged under her eyes, and she looks absolutely shattered.

"It's okay, seriously. You'd do the same for me. I am sorry for upsetting you, you know."

Holtzmann suddenly throws her arms around Erin and buries her face in her shoulder. Erin hugs her on autopilot. She's so warm. She smells like oil and metal and Erin has never smelt anything better. She sinks her nose into Holtzmann's hair.

Abby walks in at that moment, then stops short, silent.

"It's just," Holtzmann's voice is muffled by Erin's shoulder pad, "I'm a little… odd."

"Holtz, it's fine. You don't have to explain. We all have bad days."

If Erin doesn't girl the hell up and work out that she's in love with Holtzmann soon, Abby is going to have to give them a helping hand. Holtzmann is not the best with feelings, or with relationships. But Abby's never seen the two of them as happy as they are together.

All the men Erin's dated have tried to control her because they've been emasculated by her intelligence. Holtzmann stands beside her at the whiteboard and scribbles corrections and doodles all over her equations. They laugh about maths that not even Abby understands. Erin is blossoming under Holtzmann's teasing, and Holtzmann is becoming softer with Erin's awkwardness.

On the other hand, Holtzmann has never had a relationship for as long as Abby has known her. Many one night stands, maybe two night stands if she really likes them, but never a serious relationship. Abby gets the feeling that her inability to communicate anything other than intense science and innuendoes might be a big problem in a relationship.

But, Erin and Holtzmann already trust each other, already speak each other's languages; they're over the biggest hurdles to a relationship. Abby backs away without saying anything. Today is not the day for an intervention.

Erin and Holtzmann embrace for a few moments longer, and then Holtzmann breaks away and runs up to her lab without looking Erin in the eye, or noticing Abby in the hallway.

Abby holds her breath for a count of ten and then walks back into the kitchen. "Morning," she says cheerfully.

Erin visibly jumps. "Oh- Hi, Abby."

"Erin, we gotta talk about Holtz." Maybe today _is_ the day for an intervention, at least for Erin. Abby pulls out a chair and points to it.

"I know, she's been acting so strange the past couple days, I think she's really upset about something. And I know I was an ass last night, but it started before that-"

"Erin!" Abby holds up a hand. "You're right. I think there's something up, but Holtz won't let anyone help her. She just gets like this sometimes. Let her work through it. She's strong. Okay?"

Erin looks like she's about to argue so Abby bowls right on. "What we really need to talk about is your feelings for her."

"My _what_?" Erin blushes and shakes her head. "I love her, as a friend. She's my best friend. I don't want to date her."

Abby rolls her eyes: clearly she's going to have to spell it out. "Who's known you since high school? Who calls you out on your bullshit? Who watches dumb movies that grown women have no business watching with you? Me. I'm your best friend. Holtzmann is – she makes you laugh when you're sad, she brings you coffee just the way you like it, she leaves you stupid notes on your desk after you go home. You're practically dating already."

Erin blinks, brow furrowing. "I think… we just have different friendships, you know. Don't you have a friend like Holtz-"

"If I did, I wouldn't be ace," Abby laughs. "But whatever you need to sleep at night, Erin." She smiles sadly and gets up, taking Erin's coffee with her.

Erin sighs deeply and puts her head back down on the table.

***

After running out of the kitchen, Holtzmann fiddles with a proton pistol for an hour or so to calm down. Her flirting with Erin has developed into a serious crush. Her heart feels like it's going to thump right out of her chest when she thinks about how Erin touched her this morning.

But she's definitely not in any place to be dating someone, let alone her _colleague_ and best friend, Erin Gilbert. She is quite simply, a mess. She's restless all the time, she has to have something in her hands to fiddle with. She's tired, but she can't sleep. She's restless, but she can't invent. It's the most she can do to keep their gear in working order and keep up a reasonably good façade for the others.

Her family is all well and good, but the problem with having a family is the emotions that come with it. She's terrified for all of them, all the time, and the pressure of having to keep them safe with her equipment thumps through her blood on every bust. The simultaneous heart-crushing love and annoyance overwhelms her when one of them tells her "just go to bed already, Holtz!" Her attraction to Erin is just the icing on the cake of her feelings. She's never been good at dealing with her feelings.

For a while, when she was younger, and struggling, she would go out to bars and get drunk, pick up girls and go home with them, and wake up the next morning sinking deeper and deeper into a spiral of depression. The only thing that saved her then was Dr. Gorin, and the only thing that's saved her recently was Abby. And now Erin.

That's why she hasn't been drinking at all – she knows now that it only makes it worse, makes her that much more tired and sick, and no one in the firehouse can afford for her to be sick at all. She hasn't been going to bars for the girls either.

She tells herself that there's no point since she can't drink anyway, but she knows it's really because she only has eyes for Erin.

***

They all spend the day working on their various assignments. Abby and Patty have been researching different aspects of the ley-line theory – Patty the history to verify reports of paranormal stuff, and Abby the scientific possibilities of ley-lines and if they could be used in their own work. Erin checks over Holtzmann's theory before she builds nuclear stuff to make sure that no one dies (and has a sneaky nap on the couch to make up for her sleepless night). Holtzmann fixes up ghost traps and then sits under her workbench again, fiddling with scraps of metal and making sketches in her notebook.

She eventually falls asleep, the pencil sliding out of her hand. Not long after that, Erin comes upstairs, holding the pile of equations that she's checked. "Holtz?" When she gets no reply, she walks around to Holtzmann's usual workbench, careful of all the machines around her. She's napping under the table, bags under her eyes obvious, so Erin leaves her.

She gently puts her papers down on a clear bit of bench and scribbles a note at the top – _here's those equations. Love you, Holtzy._ She deliberates over adding kisses at the end, decides against it and leaves. She's almost out the doorway when Holtzmann screams an incoherent word and sobs.

Erin rushes back, now careless about the nuclear equipment, and squats in front of Holtzmann, reaching out and shaking her gently. She's wary of touching her after last night, but it looks like a nightmare and Erin's had enough of those to know she'd rather be woken up than not. "Hey, wake up. Holtz!"

She shudders awake and jerks away from Erin.

"Are you okay? You were yelling in your sleep." She brushes Holtzmann's hair off her forehead reflexively.

She nods, rubbing her face. "I'm fine."

"Need a hug?" Erin's forehead is crinkled in concern. Holtzmann breathes deeply then nods, holding out her arms. Erin leans forward, encircling her with her arms. She doesn't let go when Holtzmann starts to cry. She can feel Holtzmann's eyes squeezed shut against the fabric of her plaid shirt.

"Oh, Holtzy." Erin rubs her back and smooths her hair back until Holtzmann can breathe properly again, cheeks aflame, eyes bloodshot. "C'mon, tell me what's going on."

Holtzmann leans her head back against the wall, trying to get herself under control again. Tears slip down her temples. Erin moves beside her, patting her upper arm and murmuring.

Holtzmann screws up her face, then lets out the words in a rush. "I'm so scared, what if I fuck something up, and someone gets hurt, it's my fault, it's all my fault, it's-" She gulps, aggressively pinching the back of her hand. Erin reaches over and holds both of them still in her own.

"Jillian, listen." Holtzmann looks up at the sound of her first name on Erin's lips. "We're _Ghostbusters_. Of course we're going to get hurt. But it's not your fault. Your work is amazing. I trust you with my life."

Holtzmann leans up against Erin, shaking her head back and forward rhythmically. Erin breathes deeply. Holtzmann smells like sweat and salt and oil, different from earlier, but still nice.

"Okay, remember your toast? I don't… know what your life was like before us, but if we really are your family-" Erin doesn't know how to do this, but she'll give it a shot.

"You are," Holtzmann says roughly, squeezing Erin's hand.

"We will always forgive you. We can't do anything else. We help people who can't go anywhere else. And we can't do it without you. Without you, we would just be a bunch of massive nerds with math theories to fight ghosts."

Holtzmann laughs at that, bubbly and kind of damp, but laughter, still.

Erin wonders if Holtzmann should see a specialist, because she's obviously not coping. But she won't bring that up now. For now, she suggests that Holtzmann goes to bed and sleeps some more. When she shakes her head and leans in closer to Erin, Erin gently brushes her fingers across Holtzmann's cheek and offers to keep her company.

Holtzmann changes into a long t-shirt that says "Never drink and derive" with a cocktail glass on it. Erin just takes off her blazer and holds out her arms. Holtzmann curls into her, a little spoon, and Erin pulls a blanket over them, soothingly rubbing circles on her back until she falls asleep.

When Abby goes to ask if they want lunch, she finds them both asleep on Holtzmann's bed. She sighs deeply and leaves them to it. She has a creeping feeling that if their feelings aren't resolved soon enough, things are going to blow up in everyone's faces. Quite possibly literally _and_ figuratively, knowing Holtzmann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments feed the creative flame <3 next chapter might not be up for three or four days because I'm in the middle of exams.   
> I'm a little unsure on the writing style - I've tried to go for a semi-omnipresent third person but I can't tell if I'm pulling it off because I usually write in first person.   
> Please let me know thoughts, love y'all <3


	4. Don't Speak Too Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow A Lot has happened. More fluffy stuff. Patty and Abby's bet reappears. They play Truth or Dare. Enjoy <3

Holtzmann wakes up nightmare-free and snuggled into Erin's side. She awkwardly stretches away from her to get the crick out of her neck and sits up.

"Holtz?" Erin yawns. "You okay?"

Holtzmann nods, running a fingertip under her eyes. They're puffy but she feels less tired than she has in weeks. "Are you okay?" she says awkwardly.

"I'm fine." Erin smiles. "Feeling better?"

"So much. Thank you." Holtzmann tilts her head, appearing uncharacteristically vulnerable. "I really gotta pee, though, so-"

"Go!" Erin laughs and waves her away, the tension melting away.

She sits up and stretches, reaching for the water bottle beside the bed to rinse out her gummy mouth, then thinking better of it. Knowing Holtzmann, it might be radioactive. She gets up and goes in search of uncontaminated water.

She thinks it might be time to bring up the therapist thing, since Holtzmann is feeling better, and she really is worried about her (and not just because she's the one in charge of all the dangerous equipment).

When she gets back, Holtzmann is pulling a brush through her hair and twisting it into its usual up-do.

"Holtzy, can we talk?" Erin thinks straightforward is best, no matter how much her palms are sweating. She's not exactly a proponent of the whole therapist thing, but Holtzmann's freak-out had scared her.

Holtzmann turns to look at her, expressionless. "I'm sorry if the cuddling was too much-"

"No!" Erin shakes her head vehemently. "I liked it-" she blushes. "Anyway, it's not about that. I was wondering… Maybe you should go see a doctor, or a- something. I know you've been upset lately, and it might help you." Her face flames even more. It's just as awkward as she imagined discussing this with Holtzmann. Vulnerability and Holtz just don't go together.

Holtzmann stiffens up, hand's moving rhythmically over each other. "No. I'll deal. I always deal."

"I mean, I know I'm not one to talk about therapy, but if it might help, isn't it at least worth a shot?"

"Could you just drop it?" Holtzmann yanks viciously at her hair as she tweaks it up, giving it the final touches.

"Holtz, I'm sorry, it's just- I'm worried, and there's a reason these people exist-"

" _Erin_." Erin is shocked at the cadence of Holtzmann's voice. "When I was fifteen, I got sent to conversion therapy. I'm not doing the professional thing. Now, will you _please_ just drop it?"  

Erin's jaw drops. "Are you serious?"

Holtzmann doesn't look at her, but Erin can see the slight shake in her hands. "Totally. Anyway, I've got some ideas that I should go work on, so… thanks for the nap." She practically bolts out.  

"Wait," Erin says, cemented to the bed in shock. "Talk to me, Holtz! We don't have to talk about that, but if you're upset again like this, I'd like to know what to do."  

"Erin, I'm fine. Just a blip on the radar! Won't happen again." Holtzmann's still not looking at her as she pauses in the doorway and then disappears into the lab.

Erin is left on Holtzmann's bed, confused and alone and hurting for her friend.

***

Holtzmann picks up her abandoned sketches from the morning and glances through them. Wow, it's seven at night. They're not very detailed, but they are interesting. One of them _appears_ to be a proton bayonet. Why…? She can't even remember what was going through her mind. The last sketch is a little metal box with a star sign above it. _That's_ cute. She'll work on that to distract herself.

Erin comes out of her room, blazer hanging low in one hand. "Look, Holtz, I'm sorry. I hope your idea works out." _I love you._ She leaves the words unsaid after the bombshell that Holtzmann just dropped, and pads downstairs.

Holtzmann feels guilty – she can tell Erin is upset, but she's still a little raw from the emotional rollercoaster of the past forty-eight hours. She needs time to breathe, put things in perspective, work on her machines.

Erin is well-meaning, but Holtzmann can't just see a "specialist." Her painful memories are clear: fifteen year old Holtz, in pants and button-down, sitting in the pastor's office while he reads scripture to her, tells her that her feelings are "because of her fragmented upbringing." She remembers crying, and running away, and the sharp pain of the Bible pounding down on her shoulder, again and again and again. She's unconsciously pinching the back of her hand. She grits her teeth and lights up her blowtorch, chasing away the shadows.

***

Erin is starving when she gets to her desk, so she phones in pizza, ordering Hawai'ian for Holtzmann without even thinking about it. Abby and Patty have both gone home, so she spends twenty minutes tidying up her desk and the kitchen needlessly. She can't stop pushing Holtzmann's revelation around her mind. It explains a lot, but why would anyone do that to the sweet, strange enigma that is Holtzmann? She must have been brilliant even at fifteen, Erin thinks. Why, why, why? She's faced her own demons over her sexuality, and that was hard enough.

She's wiping down the table for the eighth time when the pizza guy arrives. She tips him generously and takes a selfie with him. Then she stacks all eight slices for Holtzmann in sandwiches the way she likes it and goes up to the lab. She has to steel herself, thinking over the events of the past twenty-four hours, but she knows that Holtzmann isn't the best at looking after herself even when she's at her best, let alone at the moment.

"Holtz?" Erin calls out, more than slightly apprehensive.

"Erin?" Holtzmann sounds surprised. She switches off the blowtorch and raises her visor. "Food? I _love_ you."

Erin blushes – an all too common occurrence today – and holds out the plate. "I was hungry, so… Do you want to eat downstairs, or are you busy?" There's a no-eating-in-the-lab rule, thanks to her own strict safety interventions.

"Are they mutually exclusive?" Holtzmann picks up the little metal cube she's been working on. "We can eat downstairs, but you have to turn the lights off."

Erin shrugs, confused but used to Holtzmann's quirks. Anything to make sure she's looking after herself. "Oka-ay. Sure." She steps carefully down the stairs, flicking off the light-switches as she goes.

Holtzmann thumbs the switch on her metal cube and sets it on the table. A curl of seven stars appears on the ceiling. Erin's jaw drops. " _Holtz_. That's incredible. Is that-"

"Leo. Your astrological sign. _Not_ that there is anything remotely scientific about astrology, but it is cute. A-and…" The stars gently morph and change into Virgo.

"That's incredible." Erin stares at Holtzmann, who is staring at the ceiling. She's beautiful, the play of pale white light over her cheekbones stunning Erin more than the stars on the ceiling. She wants to leans over and kiss her, but she's too scared after everything.

Holtzmann catches her eye and smiles back, seemingly much better.

While Erin is distracted by her mouth, she raises a pizza sandwich to and chows down on it.

"Thanks for the sandwiches, Erin."

"No problem." Erin gets to work on her own pizza, blushing. When she's gotten halfway through, and Holtzmann's munching her last mouthful loudly, she goes and puts her leftover slices in the fridge. She's mildly surprised when she comes back and Holtzmann is still sitting there.

"Sorry about before," Holtzmann says nervously, not looking her in the eye.

"It's fine," Erin says. Should she push her luck? "You should think about it though. Not all psychologists are conversion therapists. But we don't have to talk about it, okay?" God, she loves Holtzmann as a friend. But Erin is shy, and their increasingly deep bond is something she doesn't dare ruin with an admission of attraction.

Holtzmann just sits there, not looking at Erin, but not looking upset. Her hand reaches over and squeezes Erin's. Erin isn't worried. She breathes deeply, takes a chance as Holtzmann stares up at the stars and leans over onto her shoulder. Holtzmann's arm comes around and squeezes her gently. They stay there together until Erin's head slips down onto Holtzmann's lap. Erin falls asleep watching the stars morph and change. Holtzmann dozes off herself while breathing in the smell of Erin's hair.

***

"You owe me twenty bucks," Patty says matter-of-factly, snapping three pictures of the sleeping girls. "Damn, I got two percent."

Abby shakes her head, then winces as her drunk gaze struggles to keep up. "They haven't done the do yet."

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Patty gestures expansively at them.

"They'd try much harder to hide it if they got it on."

"Damnit, you right." Patty huffs. "At least I got these for blackmail. And they're getting closer."

"What-" Erin blinks up at the two of them, then jerks upright. "Why are you guys here?"

"Why are _you_ here? It's midnight!" Abby says.

"Is it?" Holtzmann yawns awake too.

"Yes!"

"We fell asleep, it's no big deal." Erin rubs a hand over her face. "So what's going on?"

"Happy hour was over. And the dudes who were buying us drinks got off with each other." Patty chuckles. "Man, you shoulda seen them."

"Drinks are way too expensive when you're buying for yourself," Abby agrees. "So we came back." She sips directly from the vodka bottle in her right hand.

Patty pops the cap off a beer and sits opposite Holtzmann and Erin. "So how did this happen?" She gestures between the two of them.

A smile curves over Holtzmann's face, and she goes to answer, but Erin shakes her head at Patty and jumps in. "Nothing happened!" Erin moves all the way over to the other end of the couch, moving her feet carefully away from Holtzmann. The heat under her collarbones belies how much she wished something had happened.

Holtzmann's smile falls away. Abby and Patty don't miss a trick, and share their patented Look.

"What's that?" Patty gestures at the metal cube on the table, reaching to pick it up. It must have turned off sometime between their falling asleep and waking up.

"Oh, nothing much. Just something I tried to make in the lab."

Patty retracts her hand. "Never mind. I like my limbs where they are, thank you!"

Erin looks across at Holtzmann, blushing for some inexplicable reason. "I need a drink," she says, reaching for the vodka bottle. Holtzmann doesn't meet her eyes, but her face drops once again. Abby and Patty are watching as she, too, blushes. A rare occurrence. Even drunk, Patty is aware enough to pick up that something has changed between them, even if it isn't _banging_ changed.

Erin gulps three or four times, coughing as she passes it back to Abby.

"Well, _that_ was strange," Abby murmurs to Patty, getting up. 

In response, Patty grins and says, "So, who's up for Truth or Dare?"

"Always." Abby disappears into the kitchen.

Erin shakes her head vehemently. "No, I'm good."

Holtzmann is staring at Erin, who's not looking at her now, and Patty can feel the tension in the room coalesce. "Yeah, I'm down."

"You're outnumbered, Gilbert!" Patty crows and pulls a few beers from somewhere. "Here." She tries to hand them out, with both Erin and Holtzmann shaking their heads. "O-okay. Rules! One: you spin the bottle. Two: the person it lands on picks truth or dare. Three: you ask a question or administer a dare. Four: If you don't want to do it, you drink. Holtzy, you gotta go get some Coke or something."

Holtzmann nods and heads for the fridge. Erin pouts. "Do we really have to do this?"

Patty rolls her eyes. "Baby girl, if you think for one second Patty isn't serious…" She lifts her bottle to her mouth, chugs, and wipes a hand across her mouth, putting her empty on the coffee table. When Abby and Holtzmann have come back, Abby with a glass and pineapple juice (just to shake it up), and Holtzmann with two Cokes, Patty spins it. As it twirls, Holtzmann passes Erin a Coke without looking at her. Erin thanks her with a nod. Neither of them look at each other.

"Truth," Abby says as the bottle settles in her direction.

"Most embarrassing time you've ever taken a shit," Patty says immediately.

"Oh, we're doing this?" Abby raises her eyebrows. Erin, despite herself, starts laughing, obviously already in the know.  

"No," Erin says, reaching for the vodka bottle.

"What's the procedure if it's more embarrassing for someone else here?" Abby says, meeting Erin's eye and losing it herself.

"Talk fast, girl!" Patty chuckles.  

Abby takes a few seconds to recover from the laughing fit. "Okay, so in college, Erin and I were sharing a room. And the bathroom, you know? I was the oblivious virgin, so we didn't have the 'appropriate times for sex' talk. One morning, I woke up with this wicked hangover, so I went straight to the bathroom and let _rip_. It wasn't pretty. And then, _and then_ , someone screams from the shower, so I'm screaming too, and Erin and goddamn Katie – on her knees, what's more – open the shower curtain and are just like ' _Excuse me?_ ' and I swear to god, I shit _again_ from the fright of it." Abby's snorting with laughter, and Erin is blushing hard.

Holtzmann cracks open her Coke with a little more force than strictly necessary, then says in a more neutral voice than Patty has ever heard from her before, "I thought you said you kissed a girl _once_?"

"I did. That time."

"You did more than kiss, Erin," Abby laughs. Erin flicks a hand at her in irritation.

"Abby, your turn." Patty pushes the bottle towards her. She spins. It lands on Erin.

"Dare."

"Kiss Holtzmann." Abby is drunk enough to speak without a filter. Holtzmann's eyes widen and her hands stiffen in her lap.

Erin's mouth drops and she leans over for the vodka and drinks instead, shaking her head. Holtzmann doesn't move, apart from to bring her hand over her other hand and methodically start pinching the back of it.

Erin, having the grace to look faintly embarrassed, leans forward and spins the bottle without prompting. It lands on Holtzmann. Patty and Abby share another Look.

Holtzmann pauses for a moment. "Truth."

Erin takes a long sip from her Coke, the vodka hitting her all at once and churning her stomach. "Would you have kissed me?"

Abby and Patty's eyebrows simultaneously hit their hairlines.

Holtzmann and Erin lock eyes. Everyone waits for Holtzmann's innuendo, or a jokey line, but she just says, "Yes. Of course." There's a long pause, and not even Holtzmann seems inclined to break it with a joke like she usually would.

Abby sighs at Patty, then leans forward and spins. Patty. "Truth."

"What's your favourite kind of porn?" Her 's' is slurred out a little too long, and she doesn't sound very enthusiastic.

"Something with a bit of spanking, but not too much." Patty's trying to ease the tension, but no one even smiles. Holtzmann is staring into her Coke, hand tracing shapes on her thigh, and Erin is pouting at the floor.

Abby rolls her eyes. "Time to hit the sack, Patty?"

"Naw, man, it's only twelve thirty," Patty says.

Abby gestures none-too-subtly at Holtzmann and Erin, and repeats. "Time to hit the sack?"

"For sure!" Patty gets up and follows Abby upstairs. "Night, girls."

"Night," Erin calls after her. Holtzmann doesn't say anything.

"If they don't sort their shit out before tomorrow, I'mma do it for them," Patty says, pulling out her spare pyjamas and heading into the bathroom.

"That makes two of us," Abby yells back.

***

"I guess I should go to bed too," says Erin.

Holtzmann looks up. "Night."

"Okay, Holtzy." Erin leans over and pulls her into a hug. But Holtzmann stays stiff in her arms, so she pulls back. "Sorry, was that too much? You just seemed upset."

"Erin-" Holtzmann seems to have trouble getting the words out. "I-"

"Are you okay?" Erin holds out a hand to her so that she can hold it if she wants, aware that maybe she's obliviously crossed a line in Holtzmann's book at some point during the night.

"I'm just," Holtzmann starts again. Her voice wobbles like it did when she toasted them, her family, at the bar. This time, though, she's far less eloquent. "I'm getting mixed messages, you know? You're holding my hand, and cuddling, and stuff, and then- Why didn't you kiss me? Does my flirting freak you out? I can stop that, if you want, I thought we were joking around, I thought-" her voice breaks a tiny bit.

Erin takes a deep breath, surprised by Holtzmann's fast, emotional admission. _Does she… actually like me?_ "It doesn't bother me at all, Holtzy. I like it. I like _you_. I just didn't want to make it awkward. But, if you like-" Her voice hitches. "-You can kiss me now."

Holtzmann tilts her head, expression unchanging, but her hands stop pinching each other. Erin's heart stops, terrified that she's ruined everything between them, and then Holtzmann kisses her gently.

Erin suddenly pulls back. "This better not be a patented Holtz joke. I'll kill you."

Holtzmann laughs as their foreheads press together. "Erin, you're so oblivious. I've been flirting with you since the day you walked in."

"Yeah, but you've also been flirting with every other woman within a two-mile radius. Last week you gave the Subway serving girl your number."

"She was a fan!"

"Holtz."

"Okay. But I thought you were straight. I didn't want to freak you out by treating you too differently, ya know?"

"I thought I was straight too."

"Liar." Holtzmann squeezes Erin's shoulders. "What was her name? Katie?"

"She was my college experiment! Surely you had a college experiment? Some straight dude?"

"My college experiment involved a nuclear reactor, a small rocket, and four monkeys, only three of which were sourced legally. My college experiment got me fulltime job offers at NASA, CERN, and an offer to build the Bigger Hadron Collider. I did not fuck a straight dude."

Erin laughs helplessly. "What a nerd."

Holtzmann kisses Erin again, for longer, and with less nervous tension between them this time.

Up above them, Abby says, "No explosions, and no slamming doors. That's got to be good."

Patty laughs. "Don't speak too soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took me nearly a week to update I've been snowed under with exams and then got sick and it's just been hectic. 
> 
> I feel like it's a little disjointed in the middle but I couldn't figure out a way to gloss it over and I really wanted to get it up for y'all. 
> 
> Comments feed the flame - any ideas on what should happen next? I know I have a bunch ;) Also, I don't think I'm going to write any smutty scenes in this. Thoughts? 
> 
> ILY a MILLY! <3 hope everyone's well. 
> 
> PS A shoutout to whichever authors wrote the fic with the stars on the ceiling, I've seen a couple with that idea and totally adored it! I have no idea who they were though I've read way too much Holtzbert fic hahaha.


	5. On Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff.

They’re far too awake to go to sleep like Patty and Abby – they've slept for a collective twenty hours today, more than either of them usually sleep in a week, so when Drunk Erin starts trying to finger Holtzmann through her jeans, Holtzmann slaps her hand away playfully and suggests a walk. Or a cold shower. Drunk Erin does not look particularly impressed with either idea, so Holtzmann gets her a glass of water and some coffee and waits for her to sober up. 

Once Erin is more sober and thoroughly embarrassed by Holtzmann telling her how she tried and failed to get in her pants, they decide to go for a walk. 

Erin holds her hand and swings it, but says nothing. Holtzmann can see the flush still receding from her cheeks as they wander aimlessly, and it's so endearing that she stops Erin and spins her around to kiss her deeply and unaffectedly on the lips. When she pulls away, Erin is grinning unabashedly and blushing even harder. 

"I love you," she says, still kind of tipsy. 

Holtzmann freezes with her hands on Erin's waist. There's a few seconds of weighted silence between them as Holtzmann processes. 

"I love you too." Holtzmann finally gets the words out, feeling happier than she has in years. A balloon is practically inflating in her chest as she grasps Erin around the waist and squeezes her hard. "I love you I love you I love you," she says. 

Erin laughs, pushing her away, kissing her quickly, then points to a nearby bar. "C'mon." 

Holtzmann has ginger beer and Erin has water, remembering the vodka swishing around inside her. She's still a little more giggly than usual, but that could be down to the wide-eyed stare that Holtzmann is fixing her with, like she's the bright flare of magnesium in ninth grade science class that you can't look away from.

"So tell me about your childhood," Holtzmann says, still staring. "I've given you a big bad secret, what's yours?"

"You've heard mine," Erin points out. "Ghost girl, and all that." 

"Oh. I guess so." Holtzmann tilts her head to the side. "Tell me other things, then. What were you like before ghost girl?" 

Erin blinks. "God. I haven't thought about that for years. I was smart, obviously." 

"Humble, too, I bet," Holtzmann teases. 

"Shut up. And I liked fantasy books. And-" Erin shrugs. "Not a lot else. I was just a little kid, a normal little kid. You know." 

Holtzmann smiles wryly. "Probably not. I was a foster kid." 

Erin slowly puts down her water. She didn't know that. "Really?" 

Holtzmann nods, suddenly not meeting her eyes. Erin doesn't know what to say.  _ Okay _ is too blasé.  _ I'm sorry _ horrifically judgemental. She settles for covering Holtzmann's hand with her own. 

"It's okay. I survived." Holtzmann tries on a smile and leans into Erin, the earlier playfulness gone like mist burned away by the sun. 

"Holtz-" Erin's heart is being put through the wringer tonight. 

"Honestly, I'm okay." Erin can't do anything but hold her hand in between her own, offering as much understanding as she can through simple touch. 

"Girls, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we're about to close up. If you guys want another drink, this is your last call," the bartender calls over. 

Simultaneously, they shake their head. "Thank you!" Holtzmann calls, dropping a pile of coins on the bar as they leave. 

They walk back to the firehouse and stay quiet, understanding silence blooming around them. Erin keeps ahold of her hand the entire time, and Holtzmann feels like she's being simultaneously buoyed up and grounded. The cloud is lifting a little. She knows what it feels like when she begins to pull herself out of depression, and normally it feels like she's fighting quicksand, alone and afraid. This time it feels like she's being airlifted in a warm safety blanket. 

Outside the firehouse, she kisses Erin quick and soft, murmuring "Thank you."

"For what?" Erin chuckles, kissing her nose in response. Despite her light tone, Holtzmann can see that Erin would hold her together as she broke if she needed her to. 

"For looking after me," Holtzmann says simply, eye wide in seriousness, trying to convey what she feels and how much this blossoming relationship means to her.

"Always," Erin responds, hugging her tight to her body. "I'm always on your side." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is TINY!!!! But the epilogue is coming very soon.


	6. The Morning After

Holtzmann's alarm rings out loud, waking her up. It's set for six am, a time when Holtzmann is usually alone and usually already awake. She has a brief internal panic. 

Erin rolls over and moans. "Shut up, Holtz." 

Holtzmann mutes the alarm, hoping that Erin will just roll right back over and fall asleep. No such luck. She thinks that Erin has worked out that she's taking meds, but she's never taken them in front of anyone before and the thought is making her unreasonably stressed. She pinches the back of her hand and takes a deep breath. 

As Holtzmann gets up, Erin says, "You okay?" She props herself up on one elbow, watching curiously as Holtzmann pops out two pills from the blister pack which comes from her underwear drawer. 

"Yeah, always." Holtzmann flashes a strained smile around the mouth of her water bottle. "It's just my - anti-depressants." 

Erin nods, face serious even though she's just woken up. "Holtzy-" 

"Er, it's not a big deal. Don't make it a big deal." Holtzmann is defensive, suddenly. She swallows harder than necessary, once, twice, feeling the pills stick in her gullet. She rubs a hand up and down her bare thigh, needing the grounding touch so she doesn't run away. 

She's been challenging herself to communicate better with Erin and this is part of it but  _ god _ she's freaking out. Holtzmann feels sometimes Erin just humours her like you would a child.  

" _ Holtz _ ." Erin yawns widely, scrunching up her nose, but she gestures Holtzmann closer. 

Holtzmann's hand is now pinching her other one aggressively.

"Okay, I get it, you might not want to be with someone this fucked up, I can just go, or, this is my room, that would be a bit weird-" Holtzmann's insecurities bubble to the surface and she can't filter them. 

"Jillian, shush," Erin says quietly. "I love you very much. I was just gonna say we should talk about the serious things at some point. C'mon, I'm never going to leave you." 

Holtzmann's eyes start burning. She sips unnecessarily from the water bottle. 

Erin holds open the covers. "Come back to bed, Jill. Not now. But sometime."

Holtzmann crawls into bed, suddenly small. "I'd like that," she says. "I love you too."

Erin just kisses her head and falls back asleep. No one will know if Holtzmann cries a little bit before she, too, falls asleep again. 

They're okay together. They're okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes this piece of trash lol. I think I've got something set in the same universe on the way :) glad you stayed along for the ride.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought of the characterizations, the concept, allllllll of it! Love ya all!


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